I recently gave an interview on a podcast, in which I was asked to offer my “top tips” for having a difficult conversation. Here’s a summary of the 7 pieces of I offered:
- Be clear on your purpose. Work out what’s important. Why do you want to have a conversation. Not a reaction to something, but a clear objective. Why is it important? What do you want to achieve?
- Take off the demonising goggles. We all wear them from time to time. When someone does something we don’t like, we make all kinds of ungenerous assumptions about them – and usually blame their nature or disposition (“They’re selfish” or, “They don’t respect me”). But if it were us doing the same thing, we tend to look at the circumstances (“I didn’t get around to that because other stuff got in the way”).
- Make a great opening. Frame the conversation in a way that makes it safe for them, as well as for you. Safe means they feel respected (their view will be heard, their perspective will be taken into account). “Chris, I wanted to talk with you about the invoice you sent through this morning. I’d like to share my own thoughts on the invoice, hear your perspective and then see what flows from there. Have you got a few minutes to do that now?” And if you need to, reframe the conversation again and again. If they ‘arc up’, reframe. If things get confused, reframe.
- Share your story, but explore theirs. And be the first to notice the differences. Don’t confuse your story for the truth. The way you share your story is so important. In our workshops, we show people how to structure a story that fosters understanding and reduces the risk of conflict. If I say “I hate the way you undermine me in front of clients”, I may think I’m sharing my story, but I’m really just throwing accusations at you. But if I try, “Chris, at this morning’s meeting with the bank, each time they asked me a question, you stepped in to answer. I don’t know what’s going through your mind, but when you do that, it leaves me feeling as though you don’t trust what I’m going to say. Can we talk about how to avoid that happening again…?”
- Emotions aren’t a pair of muddy boots. In other words, they shouldn’t be left at the door! But while you shouldn’t ignore emotion, avoid being emotional. Talk about emotions; they form a key part of your story (and theirs). Trying to tell your story without talking about the emotions is like watching a movie like Avatar in black and white. If you don’t, they’re likely to play out in less constructive ways.
- Shift to a problem-solving stance. While the sharing of stories and perspectives is critical, it’s also important to avoid getting bogged down in endless story-telling. Recap what seems to be important to each person going forward, then ask – how do we address this in a way that works for both of us?
- Prepare! Perhaps this could have been the first tip, but it’s worth remembering that all of these tips are easier to follow if you’ve done some careful planning on each of the above points.
CMA’s Difficult Conversations workshop presents an excellent opportunity for you to learn and practice skills and techniques for handling tricky conversations confidently and effectively. Read more about upcoming workshops.
Good luck!
Simon Dowling
Small Business Big Marketing Podcast Episode 54 – Difficult Conversations
Well written. Thanks for new tips and ideas.
Thanks for the share!
Hellen