“He’s just coming back from having a fag” – reflections on cross-cultural communication
As an American living and working in Australia, the question of cross-cultural communication has been unavoidable. And this day was no different.
It was the end of our morning tea break, and I noticed that one of the participants in the negotiation workshop I was facilitating was still missing. In an effort to discover his whereabouts, I asked unsuspectingly, “Where’s John?” Trying to be helpful, his colleague replied, “Oh, he’s just coming back from having a fag.”
Now, that response may not shock you, but I… I was stunned silent. Speechless. All of the lectures about political correctness and white papers on tactful inclusiveness flashed through my mind. The champion of professional propriety in me got ready for battle. And for goodness sake, it was only 10:30am!
Mustering as much composure as I could, I stammered, “Mmm… what does that word me to you?” Very matter of factly, almost as if to say, “C’mon stupid”, another responded, “A ciggie.” Still seeing the shock and puzzlement on my face, someone took pity on me and said, “A cigarette. He’s coming back from having a smoke.”
I’ll tell you, the relief that washed over me was indescribable. To me, fag was such a derogatory word, so inappropriate, so offensive that I couldn’t even bring myself to repeat it on the day.
Which raises the question – what can we do to deal with those moments of shock or frustration that inevitably arise from communicating across cultures?
1) Anticipate differences
We’re all different. Whether based on borders, organizations, functions, families, gender, age or any other metric, we have different expectations about the way things should be done and understandings of what words and actions mean. Adopt a frame of mind where you expect that there will be differences (even if you are yet to figure out the specifics of what they are) such that there’s less surprise when they arise, which they inevitably will.
In the above instance, I started the day by revealing my revelation that Americans and Australians don’t actually speak the same language, asking people to bear with me, and translate if they saw my face go blank. Setting the stage to anticipate the differences allowed us to all have a good laugh as we unpacked the differences in assumed meaning.
2) Be clear about your intentions
One great challenge to communication is not understanding the other party as they intend to be understood. This challenge is ever intensified when words, actions or approaches hold different meaning to each of the parties. Be clear about what you mean, what your motivations are. Understanding where you are coming from and what you mean (or don’t mean) will help the other party hear your message.
For me, despite my shock in the moment, I suspected that these participants weren’t trying to offend so much as help me. That knowledge helped me to move beyond an initial reaction and unpack their meaning rather than demonize them for being inappropriate.
3) Verify your assumptions
Don’t assume you know what they mean, particularly if you’ve found it offensive. Your understanding of their words or actions may not be accurate – not because either of you is stupid, wrong or any of the other excuses that often come to mind – but because we have different understandings or expectations of what things mean. Share your understanding of the message they’ve sent. Check with them to clarify what they actually meant. When all else fails, ask the question, “what does that mean to you?”
How else have you dealt with the challenges of communicating across cultures? We’d love to hear your experiences.
Elaine Lin
Senior Consultant
Listen to our podcast with Elaine Lin and Simon Dowling on cross-cultural communication here.
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