Tag Archives: Rebecca Stowe

I’ve just returned to work at CMA after 12 wonderful months of maternity leave. Although I wasn’t formally running CMA workshops in this time, I was constantly observing our theories come to life in my new ‘job’.

Being a first time mum brings up many new and unexpected challenges. With the best of intentions, family, friends and even strangers’ unsolicited advice can leave you feeling overwhelmed and confused. And if the extreme exhaustion isn’t enough to deal with, mums can be faced with snide remarks from other mums, family feuds and even arguments with strangers!

Why? We all make different assumptions about what’s “best for the baby”. Whether it be ‘leaving your baby to cry causes long-term psychological distress’, or ‘a strict sleeping routine leads to inflexible children’…. all of these assumptions are just interpretations drawn from the data all around us, such as books, studies, friends’ opinions and personal experience. And as we know, assumptions are not facts. And just as in the professional world, when assumptions misalign, conflict often results.

So what causes the hostility, the tension and sometimes the hurtful behaviour? Let’s use cognitive behavioural theory, and more specifically the Conflict Ladder (discussed in detail in our ‘Difficult Conversations’ workshop) to break down an example:

Two mothers, Debbie and Sarah are chatting about the controversial topic of breastfeeding. Sarah says, “It’s so sad that such a low percentage of babies are breastfed when the benefits are well published.”  Debbie (who isn’t breastfeeding) gets teary and goes into “flight” mode and removes herself completely from the conversation.

So what’s happened here? Let’s begin by looking at Sarah’s perspective, starting off by looking at her behaviour which has sparked the conflict:

• Sarah’s behaviour: She made a comment about breastfeeding to Debbie
• Sarah’s emotion: She was obviously feeling very passionate!
• Sarah’s assumptions/thinking:  “Breast is best!” and “Every child deserves the right to be breastfed”
• Sarah’s data:  She has read information from the Breastfeeding Association of Australia and has spoken to many of her friends who have had positive breastfeeding experiences. Sarah has found it very easy to breastfeed her baby

Let’s contrast Debbie’s experience:

• Debbie’s behaviour: After hearing Sarah’s comments, Debbie gets teary and removes herself from the conversation
• Debbie’s emotion: She is feeling hurt and distressed
• Debbie’s assumptions/thinking: “Sarah is telling me I’m a bad mother and is trying to lay a guilt trip!” and “Maybe I am a bad mother? Maybe I made the wrong decision to stop breastfeeding?”
• Debbie’s data: Sarah made a negative comment about babies who are not breastfed

What Sarah is missing is another piece of data. Debbie had tried breastfeeding for a month, and was unsuccessful, with the baby losing weight. Although she wanted to breastfeed, she was advised by her health nurse to change to formula to ensure her baby would thrive.

So what can we learn from this example? Often we don’t have all the information available. We’ve all been guilty of it – making conversation and quite unintentionally, hurting someone in the process. We need to be mindful of our impact on others, and if we notice we have upset someone, we should have the courage to raise our concern with them and try and better understand one another. And if we are the person who has been offended, we also need to have the courage to raise this instead of opting for the flight response.

No one is saying it’s easy, but openly discussing your assumptions can go a long way at repairing or further strengthening existing relationships. And if all else fails and your assumptions are entirely different, try and focus on what you have in common. In the case of parents, even if ideas around appropriate parenting may be different, we can focus on common interests like providing a safe and supportive family environment.

Good-luck!
Rebecca Stowe
Senior Consultant